Tedder

Sex and the Mid-sized Town: I never liked puppies

In the animal kingdom nothing is quite as adorable and irresistible as the puppy.

I’m not even a dog person, but show me a pint sized incarnation of canine kind and I’m pretty much Play-Doh.

So it’s not too much of a surprise that, occasionally, we smart, upwardly mobile women in the world will end up dating the male equivalent of a puppy.

Oh yeah, they’re cute, they’re sweet, they’re instantly affectionate without really knowing you, which is easily construed as an ego boost that some of us can from time to time be in desperate need of, no matter how fabulous we happen to be.

But, after a vanilla-flavored date or two you realize that puppy-boy is just too damn clingy, has a tendency to slobber on your face, and may need obedience lessons to function in social settings.

It’s hard to break up with puppies.

But the bigger issue is figuring out what you want.

Is it better to date the common, thoughtless sort of man, or is it worth a little housebreaking to date a sweet, cute guy that’s not exactly run of the mill?

As a male, and potential date, fling, etc., what sort of fella are you?

We’ve already described the puppy in some detail, what other kinds of men are there?

The Dog

Not to be confused with the puppy, the dog is pretty much just that. He’s a scoundrel, he’s a user, he might retain some of that puppy nature, but he’s no amateur. He’ll eat your food and pee on trees. Keep him on a leash, or at an arm’s length.

The Fox

Ahh the fox. He’s a smooth talker and a fine looker. He’s a bit more ferocious, wily, and is an eternal con artist. Watch your purses ladies, and your best friends. If you find his hair on her pillow, or vice versa, it may be time to call in the hounds.

The Snake

These just keep getting worse, don’t they? I’ve run into most snakes at seedy bars with badly gelled hairdos. He might try to buy you a drink, but make sure he doesn’t take it out of your sight. Yes, I am insinuating something.

The Chicken

Chickens are high-strung, and peck a lot. They leave their shit everywhere and tend to smell a bit. They also tend to run at the faintest sign of conflict.

The Sloth

Think he’s ever going to take your relationship to the next level? Think again.

The Peacock

This boy thinks he’s the bomb. Really, he’s just a flightless bird.

The Stallion

He’s so perfect it might hurt. Sigh worthy, and nearly unattainable. If you can ride him you can keep him.

The Ass

This one is stubborn, most likely to kick and bite in unpleasant ways. You may think he’s smart, talented, and you’re flattered to be the only person he seems to get along with. He’s not the only person that will ever love you, but really it’s time to send him out to pasture.

With all these shining examples of male kind before me, who’s to say a puppy isn’t really the best decision? Sometimes it’s pretty obvious why I’m a cat person.

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The Murfreesboro Pulse, Middle Tennessee's Source for Art, Entertainment and Culture News. murfreesboropulse@yahoo.com

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