Rating: 2.5 Pulses
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, Jamie King
Directed by Patrick Lussier
With the recent rash of 3-D concert films, I half expected My Bloody Valentine 3-D to be a Disney production of the band’s reunion shows. Alas, it turns out hell hasn’t frozen over yet and instead the film is just your run-of-the-mill slasher remake.
In the quaint mining town of Harmony, a deranged miner in a mining uniform and gas-mask slaughters 22 innocents, often ripping out their hearts and placing them in heart-shaped boxes, leaving cutesy messages like, “be mine forever.” Ten years later, Harry Warden (the murderous miner) returns on the fateful holiday to mine the hearts of the survivors from his last spree. He’s quite the dedicated miner. Heh, be mine.
Oh, but did I mention it’s in 3-D? Yep, all 101 minutes are presented in glorious 3-D. It’s a gimmick admittedly, but a good one for the horror genre. And to be honest, the 3-D in this film is pretty good. The blood, guts, glass and flames fly off the screen to neat effect. The majority of the film, however, is shot like a regular ole 2-D flick, using the 3-D effect subtly rather than gratuitously, contributing to a much more immersive experience than the plot should allow. If anything, it shows that more films not starring Brendan Fraser could benefit from the 3-D treatment.
That’s not to say this gimmick is a panacea for bad films or an excuse for filmmakers to lower their storytelling standards. My Bloody Valentine 3-D starts strong and is quick to the bloodletting, but it falters into soap opera tedium once it gets to the plot. The film turns into a limp mystery with a paucity of suspects that keeps the audience groaning rather than guessing, and if more films show up boasting that extra dimension (and they surely will), the novelty will wear off faster than a temporary tattoo.
But until that day, My Bloody Valentine 3-D delivers all the horror conventions: over-the-top slayings, completely unnecessary nudity, and an unfortunate who-cares plot, not necessarily in that order. And hey, it’s in 3-D!