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Gagflex: A Million Ways to Say Absolutely Nothing

Boredom is driving me crazy. Not mine, everybody else’s.

I went and saw Watchmen at the IMAX on opening night so I was probably asking to be tortured. Sitting directly behind me was a guy who kept kicking my seat while carrying on a conversation with his idiot girlfriend. Beside them was a girl who apparently saw the movie earlier in the day and persistently quoted the lines before the character did. And sitting right beside me was a tool who apparently forgot he was in a theater and decided to write a thesis on his phone, oh I mean on his “Personal Digital Assistant.” He might as well have just kicked me in the crotch and spat in my drink.

Every 10 minutes the guy would whip out his toy and just tap away. I thought going to the movie was something that people wanted to do. I thought that was the cure for boredom. I guess not. I guess going to the movies is just another place to have a chat with your friends and text your bored girlfriend while she avoids saying anything meaningful to her boring friends. No wonder people thought Transformers was good; nobody was watching it.

My niece is the same way except she has an excuse: she’s 12. My roommate doesn’t have the luxury of that excuse. When we sit around watching TV, I have to integrate the texting taps in to whatever episode of “Magnum P.I.” I might be watching that night. But there’s been a recent solution to that problem. Every time he texts the girl he’s currently dating she calls him back, forcing him to have an actual conversation.

For the record, I’m not against texting. I think it’s a fairly fantastic technology and I love tossing out one word questions like “Eat?” and having it make sense. However, I think we’re quickly turning into a species that’s constantly connected to one another and we have absolutely nothing to say. We have little patience for ideas that aren’t obvious and instantaneous, and we’re bored to tears with ourselves.

I can’t imagine how a movie like Citizen Kane will stand the test of time because it’s not flashy or instantly gratifying. It takes connecting the dots to understand the character and the numbers of people who can or are willing to sit through that are dwindling.

Comedian Louis C.K. recently ranted on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” about how everything is amazing and everyone’s miserable. He talked about how impatient we’ve become and how we complain if anything takes a little longer than expected. I would say that everything is amazing and everyone’s bored. We have all the tools to listen to any song, watch any TV show or movie, and have instant access to every major newspaper any time we want it. And we rarely do much more than skim and sample.

I am not turning into some crotchety old man any time soon. I understand the importance of the wave of technology that’s simplifying our lives and fully embrace it. The downside is that I think it’s also simplifying many people who don’t understand a life without instant gratification.

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