Gagflex: The Conspiracy Theory to Make Us All Morons

Let this be my open letter to all hardcover conspiracy theorists. You are idiots. There’s no sense in applying subtleties to overweening people who see the world in black and white. You are idiots, and it’s ironic that you think that most people are gullible and believe everything they’re told when you embrace some of the most ludicrous ideas from some of the most unreliable sources.

You are idiots because you think being a skeptic means rejecting all obvious answers in favor of the unlikely and improbable. I am not saying this just to be inflammatory. I am letting you know that if you are spouting conspiracy theories at me or in my general vicinity, your license to be taken seriously is officially revoked.

If you are a “birther,” you are a moron. If you ever were a “birther,” you are a moron. And that’s really all that needs to be said for the people who believe that President Obama was not born in the United States. But where one conspiracy dies, another one is born. As soon as it was announced that Osama bin Laden was killed, the crazies came out of the woodwork. Some people are saying that Obama decided to take out bin Laden to boost his poll numbers. Some are claiming that he’s been dead for years. And some are even claiming that he’s not actually dead. If he’s not dead, would the real bin Laden please stand up? I am guessing this won’t happen. If Obama was doing it for poll numbers, he probably should have waited till October of next year. Not that this will matter to the hardcore conspiracy theorists. If there’s a government cover-up, then facts to disprove the theories are just more proof that the government is trying to control the narrative.

And of course the government is controlled by the illuminati, the shadowy group whose goal is no less than world domination. For the people who believe that some tight-knit organized group is controlling the government, how come the government appears so incompetent? Why can’t the illuminati get General Electric to pay income taxes? It takes a lot of faith to believe that a fraternal club of evil has existed for 200 years and is slowly building the path to a new world order where all countries are controlled by one government. It takes faith because if Republicans and Democrats can’t work together to pass a bill, how would you expect thousands of people to work together in the shadows for generations to achieve a common goal?

From faking the moon landing to the 9-11 “truthers,” there are absolutely no boundaries to the stupid things that the hardcover conspiracy theorists are willing to believe. I once had a guy tell me that both Hunter Thompson and Stanley Kubrick were killed by the government for the things they knew. I guess the government got to them just in time. If you jump on youtube.com and search for conspiracy theories you’ll find dozens of videos with spooky background music trying to sell you on how you’re being screwed everyday and don’t even know it. The reason people don’t know it is because of all that information that’s buried in documents that nobody bothers to read called bills. And these conspiracy theorist haven’t quiet caught on that a lot of the questionable deeds that are committed by the government are printed in the daily secret documents called “newspapers.”


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