Tedder

Get a Taste of the Iced Tea Party

Well, let’s see. So far the dirt people have been successful in banning the light bulb, making my toilet so it doesn’t function properly, rendering my dishwasher to nothing more than a rinse cycle and making my washing machine about as effective as washing your clothes on a rock. What could they possibly be coming after next?

Your ice maker.

No, I wish I were kidding. You see, it seems that your innocent little cube-maker is actually an evil energy hog, at least by the standards of the Department of Energy. They say ice makers add 12 to 20 percent energy consumption to a fridge. Of course, they can’t have that so they’re working on some “changes.”

According to The Washington Times, those “changes” will add about $2 billion per year to the cost of refrigerators. Oh, but don’t worry. They say you’ll save $37 in electricity costs over the life of the appliance. Seriously? Last one I had lasted 10 years, at least. We left it with our last house when we moved because it was in perfect working order. But, let’s say average lifetime is 10 years. Why, that’s $3.70 savings a year. Don’t laugh, that’s 7 cents a week.

Of course, you’ll be drinking room-temperature tea but think of all you’re saving. And think of how you’re saving the planet. In fact, while we’re at it why not let’s just go ahead and ban the term “iced tea.” No sense in reminding people of what they can’t have, right?

Like I’ve said before, the liberals accuse conservatives of wanting to intrude into your bedroom but they’re in every other room in the house.

Naturally, some of their nonsense is coming back to haunt them. San Francisco sewer lines are backed up with sludge because California was on the “cutting edge” of the low-flow toilet revolution.

One caller to my radio show from Michigan said that before Canada jumped on the green toilet bandwagon there was a cottage industry of southbound high-capacity toilets flowing down (if you’ll pardon the expression) from north of the border. Seems Michiganders were jonesing for some johns that really worked. I can just imagine a guy on some seedy street in Detroit wearing a trench coat. “Hey, Mack. Wanna buy a toilet?”

What are we doing, people? These green fanatics are starting to make our lives miserable. These bio-busybodies are enacting laws and regulations that have far-reaching impact on our day-to-day lives. Need I connect the dots on the high gas prices and the lack of new drilling and new refineries?

But it’s much more insidious than that. When I mentioned on the air that my new dishwasher wasn’t washing our dishes like it should you should’ve seen the flood of calls and e-mails. Countless people had been through the same problem and they were recommending special detergents and cleaning agents, as well as some home remedies. Seems these fine folks in Washington have banned the ingredients in detergents that actually do the cleaning.

Same goes for washing machines. The new front-loaders don’t come close to cleaning as well as the older top-loaders. That’s prompted some entrepreneurs to start businesses replacing motors in old washers and selling refurbished models. The dirt people should be thrilled. We’re finally recycling.

What needs to be recycled is common sense. We should be evolving but instead we’re devolving. Pretty soon the old folks will be saying, “Remember when everything used to work?”

It’s time to start pushing back. These liberals thought the Tea Party was angry; wait until they get a load of the Iced Tea Party.

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About the Author

Phil Valentine is an author and nationally syndicated radio talk show host with Westwood One. For more of his commentary and articles, visit philvalentine.com.

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1 Comment

  • Michael O'Flinn

    Give Me Convenience, or Give Me Death!

    and I quote: “These green fanatics are starting to make our lives miserable”. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? I doubt very seriously that Mr. Valentine knows anything of misery. Right now there are literally millions of people, including children, right here in the U.S. who don’t have enough to eat. All across the world there are people without access to fresh water or sanitary living conditions. Really Phil, get over yourself. It’s not only absurd to complain about problems like this with so much suffering in the world, it’s insulting. If the slight inconvenience of having to use ice cube trays or a plunger is all you can come up with to demonstrate that the ‘liberal dirt people’ are making our lives ‘miserable’, or robbing us of our precious freedom, I suggest you take a step back and re-assess what you’ve put forth. Compare the thirty seconds it takes to fill an ice cube tray or the twenty minutes it takes to wash dishes in your sink to a lifetime spent in a place like Liberia or the Sudan. Watching your children starve or your wife get stoned to death, or having your head chopped off by some despot without a trial, that my friend, is misery. Try spending a little time attempting to understand the plight of anyone outside your own realm of experience; if you can’t handle that, at least choose your words better, as a much more appropriate statement would have been: “These green fanatics are starting to make our lives slightly less convenient”. And yes, it inconveniences me as well, but it’s a small price to pay for the freedom we do have in this country which you obviously take for granted.

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