Today’s topic of discussion is the disgrace of the Zoetrope, Georgie-Porgie, the only man to give Ed Wood a run for his money as the worst director in history. It has been only a short 13 years since we were subjected to his abominable “prequels” to the classic Star Wars trilogy, and God! do we not at all miss them.

Don’t get me wrong. Everybody loves Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca and the rest; but the horrible lengths to which Lucas has stooped in decimating his successful films since their very first release are simply inexcusable. You may remember the childhood-ruining “Digitally Remastered” releases, fraught with cheap CGI and superimposed with the wholly untalented visage of Hayden Christensen at the end. Luckily, patrons of Episode I must only endure the pointless and obnoxious Jar-Jar Binks, and a pathetic little line-ruiner Jake Lloyd who plays the young Darth Vader.

This is the first of three prequels, and they arguably get worse with each release. Following their enormous box office success, Lucas let loose with a slew of Lego Star Wars and Indiana Jones video games, two Star Wars-themed cartoon series, and a steaming, heaping pile of kids’ merchandise.

Lucas’s original Star Wars series also had a hand in destroying funding for early American independent films. The studios, having only mild success with Scorsese, Cassavetes, Coppola and others, saw Star Wars and thought what Lucas has been thinking ever since: $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ . . . And the money has been rolling in for more than 30 years now. When will it stop? When will Lucas just let it die? He has already secured himself as the king of adulteration. Why not wait for someone to challenge his throne?

Don’t go see The Phantom Menace. You’ve likely already seen it, so you know it’s abysmal.