I recently discovered I am part of an elite group of morally void people who hate freedom, and whose only mission in life is to gouge the United States of its culture.

This group I am part of apparently hates god, democracy and all white men. We also control the media, corrupt children and give aid and comfort to America’s enemies.

I was really quite astonished to find out that I was part of such an evil conspiracy. I have to give thanks to conservative talk radio for letting me know how much of an evil coward I really am. How else would I have found out?

For two weeks straight I engulfed myself in conservative punditry. Almost everyday, before and after work I made an effort to listen to either the Neil Boortz show, or Michael Savage’s “Savage Nation,” and even tried to throw a bit of Fox News into the mix. My conclusion is that these people are nationally syndicated conspiracy theorists.
To these people, liberals are apparently bogeymen who are out to destroy America, and every conceivable problem can be attributed to a liberal’s way of life. I felt a bit cheated at what I was hearing. If liberals have all this power, where’s mine? I must be using my evil liberal powers in all the wrong ways because I’ve never voted for a single winner in any election. As a matter of fact, I rarely hear my opinion expressed through any political candidate.
A topic I can’t believe so many people actually give credibility to is the idea that the media is liberal. It never really occurred to me until I read Thomas Frank’s “What’s the Matter with Kansas,” but the idea of a liberal media used to be considered a conspiracy theory. If a candidate or politician would have mentioned anything about a liberal media in the ’60s, he or she would have been considered a bit nuts.
It’s now commonplace for conservatives to shoot down negative impacting stories because the story was from a so-called liberal source. Fox pundit Bill O’Reilly consistently takes pot shots at The New York Times, and accuses the paper of being liberal. Back in July, O’Reilly said The Times refused to write editorials about the Israel and Hezbollah conflict because they didn’t want to upset their “liberal Jewish base.” When O’Reilly made that statement, three editorials on the topic had already appeared in The Times.
The basic gist is that if a newspaper prints something that’s possibly damaging to their ideals or beliefs, then it must be a liberal conspiracy.
The idea that conservatives, Christians or white men are being attacked is a charade. I believe that there’s a general rule that people who control everything shouldn’t claim victimization. The last time I checked, white conservatives control this country, and almost everyone I know is a self-proclaimed Christian. Bill O’Reilly is the nations top-rated news host, and the all the top rated radio talk shows hosts are white conservatives.
So those “victims” can rest easy when they jump in their luxury cars, and go home to their gated communities, knowing that none of those evil liberal bogeyman are hiding under the beds.