Health food fans beware: Five Guys Burgers and Fries has just opened at The Oaks on Thompson Lane.
When the sign says ’burgers & fries,’ it’s not kidding. The menu consists entirely of burgers, fries, hot dogs and grilled cheese or the vaguely named ’veggie’ option for any vegetarian who was lost and unfortunate enough to wander into the place.
The burgers range in price from $3.50’$5.50, depending on size and whether or not you add cheese or bacon. There are two sizes to choose from: regular, with two thin patties, or little, with only one.
By default, a burger comes with mayo, lettuce, pickles, tomato, fried onions, saut’ed mushrooms, ketchup, mustard and green peppers. Upon customer request, they will also add relish, onions, jalape’o peppers, A-1 Sauce, Bar-B-Q Sauce or hot sauce.
Be sure to grab a stack of napkins before sitting down, because the result is a sloppy burger served on a bun unable to support the weight of the toppings piled on top of the patties, with sauce oozing out of all ends.
The fries are served Five Guys or Cajun style, fresh cut, and fried in peanut oil. It’s a similar style of fries to that of Penn Station, only less cooked and with less flavor.
All of this is always served in a paper, grease-stained to-go bag, which would seem to suggest that the less-than-warm staff would be more than happy to see you leave.
Departing isn’t actually such a bad idea, as the place itself is an assault on the senses. The eating area is cordoned off by stacks of peanut oil boxes. On each table is a bright red bucket full of peanuts for customers to enjoy, along with loud classic rock playing over the speakers. The interior is blindingly white with a sparse red-checkered pattern running horizontally around the middle. The upper portion of every wall is covered by a large, self-congratulatory sign quoting a magazine singing the praises of Five Guys or making note of one the various awards the chain has won, or ’best of’ lists it has landed on. Beneath these hang positive reviews of Five Guys from various publications, and on one wall there is even a pin-up board full of index cards so that anyone else who wants to add their praise to the chorus may do so.
Five Guys proudly touts their burgers as being ’world famous.’ This proves that notoriety does not always equal quality.
