Robert Rodriguez . . . why??

Machete Kills, the sequel to the 2010  grindhouse-style disappointment, puts Danny Trejo back in the driver’s seat for an action vehicle with just enough gas to “get us there.” After witnessing the death of his partner and being nearly killed a few times, Machete is summoned by the President (Sheen) to stop a Mexican madman who has a missile pointed at the White House. Ignoring the fact that this is a completely impossible scenario, Machete steps out to slice and dice every baddie that gets in the way. Jumping back into the world of danger, dames and double-crosses, Machete uncovers a plot that may be much bigger than the White House anticipated.

The potential for this movie is like a ladder to a swimming pool, with each interesting cast member and creative choice being another rung. Getting to the top, you propel your belly-flop into what you hope will be a bloodbath, instead hitting the hard concrete of your disappointment and shattering the rib cage of your hope.

Pardon the metaphor, but this movie had an all-star cast, putting Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Cuba Gooding Jr., Vanessa Hudgens and a slew of others in the same stew. This is also a side project from one of my favorite cinematic experiences—the Grindhouse double-header—directed by the mind who brought us From Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Sin City, The Mexico Trilogy, and The Faculty. This is also the same person who said  “Creativity, not money, is used to solve problems,” in their groundbreaking book on film production.

At least he got laid, er, paid.

So, why are we revisiting the retirement home for Rodriguez’s creativity with this one? We’re dealt the same elements of Mexican revolution, “beaner” jokes made by bigoted sheriffs, pistols with suppressors and underused sex jokes. I want the grindhouse experience that we were promised, which is more in line with the Wii videogame House of the Dead: Overkill  than anything Rodriguez has directed in the last few years. Rodriguez has continued to disappoint since Planet Terror, a trend he’ll eventually have to change if he wishes to redeem himself and remain relevant as the indie-film champion he once was.

This film gets two stars for its ridiculous cast and concept. I wish it were a higher rating, just as I wish it were a better movie.