I wrote a book called Resilient: How to Bounce Back from Loss, with the intent of helping people overcome the loss of loved ones. I am acquainted with dealing with grief firsthand. I grew up the oldest of three children. In 2009 my sister was killed in a car accident. Eleven months later my brother died of cardiac arrest.

Needless to say, my heart goes out to people who have lost loved ones, and I wanted to share my experiences. However, after suffering loss I started to notice some things about myself and people around me.

I noticed that most people do not lose well! I can go on the record as saying most people do not like losing. However, losing well and suffering a loss are two distinctly different things. How you lose can determine when you see your next win.

Allow me to ask you a question: “Who taught you how to lose?” I know you were taught how to win. We are taught how to marry, get a car, get a house, etc. Those are all wins, right? If you don’t learn the lesson of how to lose, your life can be set on a course that runs counter to what you heart really desires, to WIN! Losing will become something it was never supposed to be; an identity versus an event.

Being a winner, or a loser, is an identity. Losing and winning are events. Sports, entertainment, playground, schools, jobs and churches are full of people who know how to celebrate wins. However, many people pout just as loudly as they celebrate. Pouting indicates that people aren’t taking responsibility for their actions. They are looking for someone to blame and there is always an excuse for why things aren’t the way they are supposed to be. Teams fall apart, relationships are destroyed, families are ripped apart, and careers fail because people don’t know how to lose.

When was the last time you heard the following: “My marriage sucks because I am a selfish jerk,” “I got fired because I have a horrible work ethic,” or “I keep getting looked over for promotions because I am hard to work with!” You normally hear the direct opposite of what is really going on. You hear, “My spouse just doesn’t understand me,” “people at my job are jealous of me,” or “people don’t know how to handle my personality!”

Here’s the deal. A winner looks at adversity in their life as a hurdle to overcome. They learn the lessons and forget the details. Losing is not the end of the world. I don’t believe you should ever quit anything because you suffered loss. Quitting only rewards adversity and punishes “what” or “who” needs you. You have an internal nature that can cause you to be resilient in any situation—you just have to learn how to use it! You can turn your setbacks into comebacks!