Taylor Lewan, with fellow Titans offensive linemen Josh Kline and Ben Jones; photo courtesy titansonline.com
The Train Daddy is back, bringing sports news, life lessons and politically incorrect talk. All aboard! I always tell you, the reader, to cherish life, thank God you live in America, celebrate family and quit complaining. As I sit here writing another brilliant article I have to second those thoughts. Time is ticking and it can make years seem like days. So ride it, spank it and make life squeal like a piggy.
Football is just around the corner! Meaning: summer is ending and fantasy football is nearing. Yee-haw, Tennessee! This is the tenth anniversary for The Train Daddy Mafia League, my league! As commissioner of the Mafia, I know how to handle controversy, unlike Roger Goodell. Between sexual abuse allegations, anthem protests and ratings decline the NFL has had a tough past few years. My league shows respect! They understand once a year, it is no option, show up for the live draft or face my wrath! It doesn’t take me three times to correct a wrong like it does with the NFL. Commissioner Goodell has no backbone; he is so worried about appeasing the players, fans, owners and the players’ union that he is incapable of making wise decisions. You’re the boss, Goodell! Smack a player if he talks crazy, punch an owner if he talks smack and don’t forget that the fans are the most important piece of the puzzle.
So before I get ranting and raving, what shall we discuss this issue? It only seems fair we talk Titans football and throw in a little random here-and-there, and then we will wrap the entire article up with a little love for Papa John! I feel sorry for him. His best friend, Peyton Manning, broke up with him, J.J. Watt refuses to answer his calls and the world, it seems, has condemned Papa John Schnatter for simply saying one word. Papa John’s is in the gutter and Pizza Hut is the new pizza of the NFL. What has the world come to? So all aboard! The Train is rolling out the station!
I wrote about it last issue, and finally the Titans did the right thing and paid Taylor Lewan BIG money! He deserved it, and now has the richest contract in NFL history for an offensive lineman—a five-year deal worth $80 million with $50 million guaranteed. Wow! Taylor is the lifeblood of this team. Through his personality and playmaking abilities, Taylor makes everyone better around him. Protecting the quarterback is essential in the NFL, where QB play is the single most important aspect in the game. I imagine Marcus Mariota was doing backflips after he heard the news. Hours after the deal was made, Lewan was doing backflips as well, dressed as Boss Hogg. What else would you expect from the man who chugs beer from the mouth of a catfish? Lewan talked to media dressed as Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard and, amazingly, no one yet has called him a white racist. I grew up watching that ’69 Dodge Charger called The General Lee fly through the air. Yet the show was labeled racist just a few years ago and pulled from all networks. Come on, man! The sight of a flying orange car with a Confederate flag on it was too much for America’s snowflakes. But back to Lewan, the man is my hero, one of my favorite Tennessee Titans! He is Marcus’ official bodyguard and will savagely attack any opposing player who hits his quarterback after the whistle; he almost killed Richard Sherman! I applaud the Titans, this was the right move, and I am glad they wrapped it up.
Old man Delanie Walker also remains a Titan, signing a two-year contract extension. Walker has proven to be one of the league’s top tight ends in all aspects of the position. Since joining the Titans, no tight end in the league has more receptions than Walker. Sorry Gronk and Kelce, it’s true! Delanie Walker is credited for being one of the first players to speak up about changing the culture in the locker room. Since Walker came on board, the team has progressed, no doubt! Walker stepped up when other Titans receivers didn’t. He can catch, block, and lead, and hopefully the receivers give him a little help this season.
On to the random talk! Why is it okay for Jimmy Garoppolo to go on a date with a busty porn star? Because Johnny Manziel said so! Much discussion came from the dinner date between Jimmy and Kiara Mia, some applauding and some saying it’s a distraction for the new 49ers quarterback. Some athletes like Justin Verlander have a “no sex on game day” rule, while Johnny Manziel notes dating a porn star will probably help Garoppolo play better on Sundays. I don’t care either way, but taking advice from Johnny Manziel is like taking advice from a liberal on gun control. Stupid!
What other random news do we have this issue? Did you hear the one about how a single chicken sandwich made the LGBTQ community in Canada freak out? Chick-fil-A has announced plans to open its first international store in Toronto and the liberals are freaking out, screaming boycott! They claim the chicken sandwich doesn’t line up with their values. Founded in 1967, the Biblical values of the chain have stirred controversy with many. Who knew a bun, breast and two pickles could generate such hate? This will be another case where the left shows how tolerant they truly are, and probably finds a way to ban Chick-fil-A from entering Canada.
How about one more random controversial story? Hope Solo, daughter of Han Solo and a two-time Olympic gold medalist, was speaking at a sports conference in New York City recently. She made bold claims that have upset the US Olympic Committee, claiming soccer is only affordable in America if you’re white. She claims the average cost per kid is $15,000 a year. Good lord! What is she talking about? I could drive to a sports store and buy 10 pairs of cleats, 10 soccer balls, shin guards and matching shirts for probably $1,000! Solo backed her claim up with no statistics, even though Time magazine figures from 2017 indicate the average cost per kid was $1,472 a year. That number still seems wrong to me, and that’s not even close to the rambling nonsense Hope is talking about. If your child is joining an elite traveling team, the cost probably is closer to Time’s numbers. Things cost money, yes? But it’s not fair to make claims that a game played in third world countries is being hijacked by the rich here in America. The game is so popular internationally, in fact, because you don’t need much equipment to play it! Surely advocates of soccer can figure out a way that all races and genders here in America can enjoy the game, a game requiring little more than a ball, two goals and people.
Back to Titans talk, Mr. Ro-bot-o Mar-Cus MAR-i-O-ta! Let’s discuss the ongoing debate, Marcus Mariota vs. Jameis Winston. Three years ago the debate started and is still going. In terms of football both players have shown promise and disappointment. In terms of maturity Winston has failed miserably. What with rape allegations, theft, the screaming of obscenities, telling children that girls should stay silent and now grabbing women by the crotch, resulting in his current three-game suspension, Winston is a PR nightmare. Marcus Mariota is dull, boring and squeaky-clean! In 2015 these two were forever linked, being the No. 1 and 2 picks in the NFL draft, and both being star quarterbacks. These comparisons may not be fair, but as I said, these two players are forever linked. The debate is this: who is the better quarterback? Of course, Marcus leads that discussion heading into 2018. Both players have similar stats, yet Marcus has a playoff victory and his squeaky-clean rap sheet. Last year Marcus may have won a playoff game, but he threw more interceptions than touchdowns and trended down from his previous breakout season. Who has more to lose entering this season? Marcus has normal QB problems, like generating better chemistry with receivers, not turning over the ball and being a better leader. Jameis has those same problems, plus the damage done to his character. The feminists hate Winston more than they hate me. I just say things that may upset a feminist; Winston does things, bad things, that rightly upset all people. So Marcus wins the debate of who is the better player. Tennessee got their man and the Buccaneers got a crab-stealing, privates-grabbing sexist who seems about as intelligent as Barney from The Andy Griffith Show. This year is a big year for Marcus, a contract year! Marcus is not the personality Taylor Lewan is; he is quiet, calm and collected, and a no-nonsense hard worker. There isn’t a Titan that doesn’t think the world of Mariota, and coaches alike all believe he is the future and a top-tier talent in this league. There is no doubt this is a new year for the Titans, new coaches and players, entwining with the old. The future looks good, but it needs to start playing out this season under the leadership of Mariota.
Let’s wrap this article up with some Papa John discussion. Mr. John, the Papa himself, is in hot water. He stepped down and is currently suing his own company, setting the entire world against him. Last year he blamed bad sales on the anthem protest and that was enough to earn the scorn of liberals around the world. How dare Papa John criticize these brave athletes who disrespect the flag? The NFL parted ways with Papa John’s and nothing has gotten better for the Papa. Recently news broke of an old conference call where John used the N word to describe Colonel Sanders as a racist. Crazy, right? You realize if he has said “the N word” then no one cares. He actually says the word and his world is screwed! I must point out that he used the word in a non-derogatory way, and I see very little wrong with that. The conference call involved all of Papa John’s bigwigs, and the fact that this information got out seems to me proof that there was a coup against the original Papa.
Before I go any further, Pizza Hut is okay, Domino’s tastes like cardboard, Little Caesars is $5 peasant food and Papa John’s is delicious. Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. Sorry, Jr., but Papa does out-pizza the Hut. I was a delivery driver from age 18 to 21 at a local Papa John’s. There is good history there—although I did total my car in Walter Hill while delivering pies, sending my beautiful car into the air 30 feet. My pizza career ended there, but I loved it. Papa was supposed to be in the protection of his own company talking about racial issues, and used a word. That word should never be used as an insult to others. But to say what Papa did is inexcusable is utterly ridiculous, and I seem to be one of few who think that.
That’s it. The Train is rolling into the station! Check back next issue for an all-out NFL experience. The season kicks off and I will break down the Titans games, and give my predictions.
Choo-choo!
