Middle Tennessee hypnotist, philosopher and motivator M.C. Radford encourages everyone to think positively and live life with a healthy, optimistic attitude. Here, he shares more points from his book Higher Thoughts for Everyday Living, suggesting that readers meditate on one each day—and be amazed at the positive changes that may transpire in their lives.

1 A jury consists of 12 people who decide who has the best lawyer.

2 Charlie had such bad insomnia he couldn’t even sleep on the job.

3 Bride: The two best things I cook are meat loaf and apple dumplings. Groom: Which one is this?

4 First wife: Is your husband hard to please? Second wife: I don’t know; I never tried.

5 Husband to wife: How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

6 I was walking down the street and a man asked me if I was from Texas. I said, “No, I have been sick for a couple of months; that is the reason I look this way.”

7 I am a teacher. I can teach people how to dance around a campfire without bringing rain, how to roll a rock up a hill or how to think of an idea while they are drowning.

8 I knew a man who invented a liquid that would dissolve anything, but he went crazy trying to find something to put it in.

9 Two guys beat up a 90-year-old man. They said they believed they could have really whipped him if he had been a hundred.

10 He gets enough exercise pushing his luck, jumping to conclusions and dodging responsibility.

11 Mark: Did you see the announcement of my death in the morning paper? John: Yes I did. Where are you calling from?

12 A man told his rabbi, “My wife is trying to poison me.” The rabbi said, “Let me talk to her.” The rabbi came back and said, “I talked to your wife for three hours and my advice is, ‘Take the poison.’”

13 Friend: Hey, Joe, when did you start working for that company? Joe: When they threatened to fire me.

14 A person who lies flat on a floor will never fall; he will also never move forward in life.

15 Wife: I want a divorce for my birthday. Husband: I was not planning on spending that much money.

16 When you poke a rattlesnake, you’d best use a long stick.

17 Never start an argument with a man holding a chainsaw.

18 Anyone can look up and down the street, but can you see around the corner?

19 I never considered myself a slow learner. I always felt that teaching just came harder to most of my instructors.

20 Dad: Son, when I was your age I worked all night long in a brickyard to pay my way through school. Son: I certainly am proud and grateful, Dad. If it hadn’t been for your determination and hard work, I might have had to do something like that myself.

21 June: I heard you are marrying Bob. Did he mention that he proposed to me first? Mary: No, but he did say that he had done a lot of stupid things before he met me.

22 Pastor: Don’t drink that whiskey. It’s the worst enemy you have. Drunk: I know, but the Bible says to love your enemy.

23 I went to a nightclub and the band was so bad, a waiter dropped a tray of dishes and seven couples got up to dance.

24 The difference between a college and a mental institution is that a person has to show some improvement to graduate from a mental institution.

25 There was a flood and a man was sitting on his front porch. A guy came by in a boat and said “I had better take you to safety.” The man said, “The Lord is going to take care of me.” Later on another boat came by and the man was on a step ladder. The man in the boat said “I had better take you to safety.” He said “No, the Lord will take care of me.” Next he was on his roof and a helicopter came by and said “I had better take you to safety.” “No,” replied the man atop his house, “the Lord will take care of me.” Then he drowned and went to heaven. When he met his Lord, he said “I thought you were going to take care of me.” The Lord said “I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”

26 A judge hit two guys on a bicycle with his car. One went through his windshield and the other one was knocked out into the middle of a field. He charged one with breaking and entering and the other with leaving the scene of a crime.

27 All men should get married. You need someone around to point out your mistakes.

28 One day I went bear hunting, and I was lucky: I didn’t see any.

29 A guy was driving down the road with 10 penguins in his pickup truck. A policeman pulled him over and said, “You ought to take these penguins to the zoo.” The driver agreed. Two days later the policeman stopped him again and said, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.” The man replied “Yes, I did, but today I am taking them to the beach.”

30 Wife: I want to be cremated. Husband: How about this afternoon?