There is a fine line between being inclusive of others and respecting boundaries. Equally, there is a fine line between listening to another without opinion, and offering a different perspective. With the season of spending more time around family and friends approaching, this seems like a good topic to be mindful of. For many, spending time in a big, often loud group setting can be daunting. It can also increase the opportunity for surprises from those who are less social, and more risk for embarrassing moments to happen. Oh, the pressure!
I have recently observed many conversations where it seems to be easier to disclose personal details of one’s life to someone they don’t see often, or perhaps aren’t usually close to, than it is to share with family or friends. On one hand, it is sad to think there is a block in communication with family members. Seemingly most apparent here is the lack of acceptance for one’s choices. This can be true for many other situations as well. We often make our own judgments before someone is even done talking. “Wow, that sounds like a dumb idea,” “What are they thinking?” “Are you sure about that?” are some thoughts that come to mind, often as a knee-jerk reaction. How can we look at this differently?
During a meeting, I noticed a colleague sitting apart from the rest of the group. I invited him to join the table and sit with everyone else. He instinctively wanted to stay where he was—it was comfortable to him. From my perspective I wanted to make sure I made him feel as included and comfortable as possible. So, sitting with the rest of us is how I envisioned this comfort. When he moved and sat next to me, he commented on how I just couldn’t leave him alone, seated at his preferred location. It made me check my motives. I know they were of genuine concern. I wanted to make sure that someone I knew to be more shy would feel my desire to include him.
What I didn’t take into consideration was how he already felt as comfortable as he wanted to feel, right where he was. He was there, at the meeting, participating. Did I really need to “fix” anything? Or could I simply accept him, and let him be? I reconciled that both thoughts are okay. It also made me a little more aware that I can ask, and if someone declines, I don’t necessarily need to “press” the invitation to make them feel more comfortable. In my desire to be inclusive and considerate, I may be increasing the discomfort they feel.
The lesson? Check your motives, and be okay if the outcome is different from what you think it should be. We discussed this and were able to see each other’s point of view more clearly.
“Intuition doesn’t tell you what you want to hear; it tells you what you need to hear.” — Sonia Choquette
Recently, my husband was sharing an idea he had for giving a toast at an upcoming occasion. As he spoke, I thought, “Hmmm . . . are you sure you want to say it that way?” When he was done, I shared my opinion, even though he hadn’t asked for it. My reasoning for sharing my opinion was that I cared about him and wanted him to do well. I felt some of the details were out of context for the occasion. Several days later I found out that it bothered him that I offered my opinion without being asked for one. Fortunately, I understood right away how this made him feel annoyed. He further explained that he was just trying to articulate his thoughts and hadn’t tied it altogether at that point. This was a great reminder that it is good to simply listen to others. You don’t always have to have an opinion or a different perspective. Even if you do have another viewpoint, it’s good for others to experience things the way they see them.
Again, check your motives and be okay if the outcome is different from what you think it should be!
“Of course we all have our limits, but how can you possibly find your boundaries unless you explore as far and as wide as you possibly can?”
— A.E. Hotchner
In an unexpected conversation at a family gathering, I learned a lot in a brief conversation about a relationship this young person had with an individual that most people would question and be concerned about. I knew right away this was an opportunity to just listen and let them talk. She revealed that she didn’t talk about such things with her parents or anyone else. I could sense her need to be accepted. I had no “dog in the hunt” and could listen without the need to offer guidance or opinion. I’m a believer of trusting in a Divine law of order that guides each of us whether we recognize it or not. It is uplifting to know how nice it is when someone just listens to us and asks questions of genuine interest.
So, when you are in the company of others this season, or anytime, remember to take a moment to have a genuine interest in what others are doing. You may just be the one that lifts them up for a moment, or a lifetime. Respect boundaries, be inclusive and know it’s okay if you see things differently than someone else.
“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” — Dean Jackson
