In our society today, we are often incapable of overcoming our differences in order to find common ground. Our social climate is toxic. Our nation is polarized on many important issues, including race relations. The merit of an issue is often not considered as important as power alliances—political, ideological or otherwise. The media has many of us glued to our TV sets, watching 30-second dramatic images that short-circuit imagination and independent judgment, polarizing us. Civil discourse and debates focused on the issues themselves—without insulting the opponent—have become rarities.

When I came to this great country many years ago as a poor student, having recently survived China’s Cultural Revolution, what attracted me the most about America was the freedom conveyed in the saying: “I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to my death your right to say it.” Unfortunately, since then we have departed from the principles of free speech and mutual respect, and have instead replaced them with intolerance and intimidation. Our society increasingly becomes fixated on our differences, rather than appreciating what we have in common.

Though when a natural disaster strikes, we find ourselves in need of the most prepared and experienced disaster-response teams. Similarly, when a crisis such as the coronavirus outbreak occurs, we realize that our ability to deal with it is critically dependent upon how prepared and experienced we already are to overcome our differences and come together as a nation.

The ability to find common ground in a polarized world is only achieved through years of learning and practice. We must first learn to listen, so that instead of trying to score rhetorical points through well-rehearsed sound bites, we may learn valuable information—even from our opponents—that may propel both sides toward breaking the gridlock of our current national discourse. Solutions to difficult problems will come only through collaboration, not alienation, so that not only are we ready to deal with a crisis like this, but also to solve our society’s problems in general.

Human beings are all vulnerable, and the only way to survive is to find a way to work together. It is my hope that we will all improve our ability to overcome our differences and find common ground in our lives.

Common ground is the cornerstone to resolving human conflicts. More than simply a compromise, it is an area of shared interest, a collaborative vision that is greater than any of our own.

How do we find common ground?

I have co-founded the nonprofit organization the Common Ground Network with Dr. Rice Broocks, and we have formulated a methodology called STEPS to help people find common ground with others: Start, Trade Places, Empathy, Partnership and Seek Common Ground.

This methodology has been gleaned by studying the lives of people that have been effective in finding common ground in the midst of difficult circumstances. Here’s a brief description of each aspect of this process.

Start: Something has to get you started. Ask yourself “what motivates me to find common ground, and why do I care about doing so?” Finding common ground has been essential in being able to have a genuine exchange when it comes to the great question of life’s ultimate meaning and purpose.

Trade Places: Try to see the other person’s perspective. Look at an issue from your opponent’s perspective and speak in the language of the listener. As Jonathan Haidt pointed out in his book The Righteous Mind, we all have an innately biased value system and blind spots that cause us to see the world through tinted glasses.

There are other ways of saying this, like “walk in their shoes” or “seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” When we are willing to see things from someone else’s perspective, there are things that become visible that we might have otherwise not seen. Sometimes small details can change an entire narrative.

Empathy: Understand and share the feelings of others. The SALT principle, advocated by Dr. Broocks, is very useful: S—start a conversation; A—ask a question; L—listen, and then, T—talk. S.A.L.T. We need to have a civil and respectful dialogue by separating position from person and policy from value, and be willing to examine the basis and validity of our own narrative by asking ourselves “is there a chance I could be wrong?”

There’s no other trait that is more valuable in the times we are living in than empathy, feeling someone else’s burden or pain. As humans, we share in the struggles that life presents. Sickness, death, loss, pain and heartache will come to us all at some point.

Partnership: Finding a partner who joins you in reaching out to others, who shares your passion and who collaborates can have an exponential impact. Christ sent His disciples out two by two. Partnerships allow you to encourage each other. Partnerships can form quickly with those who share the same vision. Remember the promise Jesus made: “where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Seek Common Ground: Have the vision, see the need, take the lead, face the facts and don’t lose heart. Even if we can only find a small amount of common ground, it still could have a significant and transformative effect overall.

Common ground seekers are constantly looking for open doors and opportunities to serve others. Living this way turns us from looking inward to looking outward toward others. It is a paradigm shift that yields greater happiness and contentment.

These five common ground-seeking STEPS have been inspired by the life of Christ Himself, who truly exemplified these principles. They will enable us to build bridges, break down barriers, understand each other better and be closer to the truth.

We all have limited life experience, and therefore limited viewpoints. When we meet someone who has a different life experience, we will learn new things. In fact, we learn the most when we communicate with people who have views opposite our own!

As Thomas Crum pointed out in his book The Magic of Conflict, finding common ground is a co-creative process which moves us from our own point of view to a joint viewing point—higher ground—so that we gain a broader perspective in the context of a bigger picture.

Winning does not mean someone else has to lose. Life should not be “you or me” but rather “you and me.” We all have a shared humanity, and we all will benefit from being partners rather than opponents on Spaceship Earth.

Through these genuine and productive STEPS of finding common ground, we will not only be able to identify solutions but also—and even more importantly—be inspired to change and become better human beings who are more willing to work with others.