Have you ever been angry or just really out of sorts, yet your upset began to subside the moment that you felt understood? We have all been there before! As adults, we can feel empowered when we feel an authentic connection to another person. When a person can understand our viewpoint, even if they do not necessarily agree, it is validating and builds connection. Well, children feel the same way even if they have not yet developed the vocabulary or maturity needed to express their needs. Most children do better when they feel better. If we can make a connection before the correction, there is a real opportunity to help a child learn how to deal with emotions both big and small.

Do not misunderstand, validating a feeling and condoning or agreeing with it are not the same thing. When we validate a child’s feelings, we are letting them know that we see their perspective, their feelings are valid, and that there might be another way to handle them. Validation can help alleviate frustration and build that important connection with your child. Dr. Jane Nelson, the creator of the Positive Discipline philosophy said that when you are validating a child’s feelings, you are allowing them to have their feelings so that they can learn that they are capable of handling them, that it is not a rescuing or fixing or trying to talk your child out of their feelings.

I remember when my oldest, now 22, was around 2 or 3. I had picked up some parenting tips from a playground or mommy and me class. One of the phrases that parents used with children that was really popular back then was the phrase “use your words.” I do not remember where exactly I picked that phrase up, but I started using it immediately thinking that it would magically help my daughter be able to just stop her temper tantrums and voice exactly what the issue was. I was a young mother with zero parenting experience, but I thought that I had hit the jackpot with that phrase! Eventually, it worked its way out of my parenting repertoire as she continued to grow and develop (and as I continued to learn more about development in children).

Fast forward several years; I was working with a family in the classroom setting and the parents used that phrase with their child. They were well-meaning parents, just like I was when I used it, and thought that the bit of encouragement would help their child communicate more effectively during the intense and difficult moment that they were having. During that experience it finally dawned on me that children do not always know what words to use. Very few people enjoy being frustrated, and if children knew all the words to say to alleviate their frustration, they would absolutely use them.

Teaching children emotional vocabulary can go a long way in helping them feel more connected and able to communicate their wants and needs. Being empowered in that way can build confidence and can promote stronger cooperation and communication. The Positive Discipline website (positivediscipline.com) offers a “Feeling Faces” download that can be a good resource for parents helping their children learn the vocabulary of feelings. It can also be helpful for young children who are unsure how they are feeling to offer them a few choices, along with a possible solution to the issue.

It could sound something like this (with a kind and calm, yet firm voice):

“I see that you are angry that it isn’t your turn with the toy.  Would you rather pick another toy or look at a book?”

“You are sad that playtime is over. When you finish cleaning up the toys, we can read the bedtime book or listen to some music.”

“I understand that you are frustrated. I love you and the answer is no. Would you like a hug to help you feel better?”

When we stop and consider our children’s thoughts and motivations, we can tune into their needs a little more clearly. We can help them develop the vocabulary to express themselves and build a stronger connection. The strong communication that you build with your child while they are young will serve your relationship well as time goes on. Setting the habit of creating and fostering authentic conversation can help keep the bonds strong. It definitely comes in handy during the often challenging teenage years.

Here are some of the most helpful tools from the Positive Discipline book, including how to distract & redirect, the power of curiosity questions, winning cooperation and acting without words (this one is the jackpot!).

Distract & Redirect
Distraction and redirection can change the energy of a situation.

1) Remove your child from the TV knobs and redirect—“you can play with the blocks.”

2) Distract by becoming the tickle monster.

3) Admit your part in a power struggle, and start again after some time-out.

4) In the middle of an argument, tell your teenager you are on his or her side.

Curiosity Questions (Motivational)
Asking instead of telling invites children to think and choose.

1) “What do you need to do to be ready for school on time?”

2) “Oops! What do you need to do about the spilled milk?”

3) “How can you and your brother solve this problem?”

4) “What do you need to take if you don’t want to be cold outside?”

5) “What is your plan for getting your homework done?”

Winning Cooperation
Children feel encouraged when you understand and respect their point of view.

1) Express understanding for the child’s thoughts and feelings.

2) Show empathy without condoning.

3) Share a time when you have felt or behaved similarly.

4) Share your thoughts and feelings. (Children listen to you after they feel listened to.)

5 Focus on solutions together.

Act Without Words
At times the most effective things to do is keep your mouth shut and act.

1) Let kids know in advance what you are going to do.

2) Check that they understand by asking: “What is your understanding of what I am going to do?”

3) Follow through by acting kindly and firmly without saying a word.

For example: Pull over if kids fight while you are driving. Read a book until they let you know they are ready.

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Next month we will explore sibling rivalry and ways to strengthen the sibling bond.