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This time of year our focus tends to shift to thoughts of gatherings that bring loved ones together. It can also be a difficult time for some who have no family, significant other or many friends. What I have witnessed in my lifetime is that family comes in many forms. To coin a portmanteau, the word “framily” is an example of such a form—friends who feel like family.
They share the ups and downs, the life changes and relationship changes and celebrate being together for special occasions or no occasion at all.
One thing in life that is constant is change. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, only have their moments. The practice of embracing change as it comes offers a mental life raft to hang on to when it feels like you’re drowning, or when you feel like you’re floating. Remembering that the moments are just that—moments—you can hold on loosely to whatever is happening while appreciating the life lesson that it brings.
Spending time with friends and their families, I’ve witnessed the challenges and triumphs that have come from holding on to that mental life raft. Divorce, death, broken relationships, moving far from one’s longtime home, job losses and illness are only a few of the life changes that I’ve seen. Experiencing events as a part of a blended family might initially bring feelings of isolation, judgement, shame, frustration, misunderstanding, fear and doubt. You’d rather do anything other than have to spend time with family and face any of those feelings. Something, or someone, however, compels you to forget your “self” and show up to be part of the whole. Maybe this will be the time that something wonderful happens. Or, perhaps you don’t show up and instead face the possibility of being talked about for not showing up. Regardless of the circumstance, you are a part of something or someone.
“Life is fleeting, yes, but also eternal; it will always find a way to begin again.” — Kelseyleigh Reber, If I Resist
Maybe the sting of a fresh divorce or being “the other person” makes it difficult to feel like you belong in a new family. Everyone tries their best to include you, but even their best at the moment may appear to be cold and distant. Maybe some are not quite as ready as others to accept the new reality. Keeping in mind that nothing stays the same, you can ride the wave of change until the dust settles and new ideals take form. Remember to be yourself, and to be patient. Time and experience bring new views.
For those without a significant other who sometimes feel lonely—you are not alone. When you do feel loneliness creep in, again know that it is temporary. It’s okay to embrace the loneliness and learn from it. Be kind to yourself during this time. Do something that you love, something that feeds you. My dad, after divorce, often said “I’m as lonely as I want to be.” This meant he didn’t mind being alone, and that he had friends that he could call and spend time with if he wanted company. I thought that was a healthy way of looking at relationships—not being co-dependent, and embracing the changes with an independent nature.
“Forgetting is something time alone takes care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision.”
— Simon Wiesenthal
This quote by Simon Wiesenthal applies to anyone who needs to forgive. It might be the person who has to accept a new family member that they don’t care for. Then that new family member has to find a way to forgive the confusion or misunderstanding of not being accepted. Ultimately it is up to us to make the decision to let it go and forgive. Remember to exude love during these times. Love yourself, and love others where they are. After all, they want to feel better about their relationships, too. Let patience and understanding be your guide.
Another thing to remember is it’s not all about you! While you’re having your own pity party or feeling like you don’t belong, keep in mind that other people are feeling this way too. So, what can you forgive and let go of? Practice this other-centered perspective when you are feeling any agitation or uncertainty arising this season (or any time of the year).
It’s important to know that when life feels amazing or feels like you’re floating, that too is a moment. Savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. It will change, and you want to be ready for this by being able to let the moment go when it’s time and keep moving with your mental life raft, staying prepared for the next change.
“When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.” — Iyanla Vanzant
