“Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” — C.S. Lewis

This Christmas, our 20-year-old gifted our family the gift of time. A whole day, spent one-on-one with each of us, enjoying quality time, un-hurried conversations, and things we love doing.

Best Christmas Present Ever.

Time is arguably our most valuable resource. We invest time in people and activities we value. Our priorities are demonstrated by our schedule. Parents devote a significant portion of time to providing for and raising kids. Older parents make “Time Stand Still” posts advising younger parents to soak up every minute with their littles. Many parents today seem very committed to this goal. Truly, time spent with our children is crucial for healthy development into confident adults.

Even so, we’ve seen a dramatic rise in anxiety and poor self-esteem among teenagers. Kids today have more privileges and more stuff, yet they are sadder and less confident in their own intrinsic value.

Why?

Social media inundation, constant digital gaming and COVID isolation fallout are partly to blame. But there are also ways parents inadvertently contribute to the poor self-esteem trend.

And they aren’t always what you’d think.

The first culprit is the unwitting misappropriation of time. People, we’re too busy. Technology’s purpose is to make life easier, making more time for things that matter. Yet families are busier now than ever before, and spending less time engaging in the human interactions that make life worth living.

FOMO—fear of missing out—has taken up residence in our American hearts causing us to over-commit and over-schedule. We believe we’re doing this for our children’s benefit. We don’t want them to miss any opportunity, so we do everything. Play every sport. Take every lesson. Learn every hobby.

But perpetual busyness results in hectic schedules full of structured events and frazzled, exhausted families. The time we do spend together is often distracted, rarely affording meaningful conversations. It’s hard to enjoy each other when everyone’s irritable or on their phones.

Kids whose parents are too busy to spend quality time with them feel less valued, insignificant. Parents innately sense this and try to compensate with material fixes, buying the latest and greatest toy, device or clothes. But it doesn’t fill the human connection gap in their souls. So, they seek out connection elsewhere and the alternatives aren’t positive.

Take time to be present with your kids. Silence the screens and spend time talking over a meal, taking a walk, cooking together or playing a game. Listen to whatever they have to say. The important stuff often surfaces amidst the chatter. You must be there, listening for it.

The second self-esteem wolf hides in sheep’s clothing, or maybe shepherd’s clothing.

Well-intentioned parents send messages of discouragement to their kids daily, without realizing it, by doing too much for them.

We do this because we care. But caring sometimes morphs into doing too much, for too long. Children desire independence and are capable of doing most life tasks for themselves. But doing things for them that they could do for themselves sends the message that we don’t trust them to accomplish the task at hand.

Maria Montessori observed that adults who do for children what children are capable of doing for themselves can become an impediment to their growth.

“The child realizes that through his own efforts he can be independent and achieve things he has set his mind to. And gradually we educators are confronted with a simple but important fact: that to help the child is not what he needs, and indeed that to give help is an impediment for the child.” — Maria Montessori, Citizen of the World

Teaching children age-appropriate life tasks and household chores is a fantastic self-esteem and confidence booster in your parental tool belt. When toddlers and preschoolers dress themselves, they feel a great sense of accomplishment. When elementary children prepare food, feed pets or sweep floors, they care for themselves and their home, filling a valuable family role. Children long for important work. As children learn life skills, they gain independence. Our goal is to work ourselves out of a job.

When our middle-school daughter announced she didn’t have a certain thing to wear because she forgot to do her laundry, I knew we were there. Kids who do their own chores learn contentment and personal accountability. A middle schooler doesn’t complain about the lunch he packed himself. A 16-year-old doesn’t gripe about a shirt she shrank in the dryer.

But this takes time we think we don’t have. It’s easier to do for our children than to teach them to do for themselves. Spending time teaching kids to do laundry, check oil, make appointments or cook a meal fosters self-worth born from the knowledge they are valued and trusted to handle important things.

Kids notice when we invest our most valuable resource, time, to teach them how to do life. Give them that vote of confidence—that you believe they can do it and do it well.

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December before it’s June. My goodness, how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” — Dr. Seuss