Are you comfortable in your own skin? Or do you worry about what other people think? Where does a healthy self-esteem start? How do you live what is true for you if it goes against what is popular?

Quite often people want to feel like they fit in, or to be a part of something. Many times the problem is they aren’t sure of what they are looking for so they try to fit in even if what they’re doing or who they’re doing it with doesn’t really suit them. So, where does confidence come from, or how do we build it?

It’s certainly helpful when you have excellent role models at an early age. But what do you do when that isn’t the case? I remember an example of an individual being raised in a judgmental, non-supportive environment. That rearing served as an example of how they did not want to be. They didn’t let the atmosphere beat them down. They listened to the internal wisdom that said there is a better way to live and love. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning. Role models—people who present themselves as the type of person you want to emulate—are all around. They could be family members, coworkers, celebrities or public figures. You can take examples from several of them and decide what qualities suit you and imitate that until it becomes a part of you.

One of my male clients recently came in with painted toenails. He mentioned that his daughter painted them on daddy/daughter date night. He also said that, according to his daughter, she would be painting them again that evening in preparation for their upcoming vacation to the beach. That in itself is remarkable, to see a dad allow his daughter to have fun doing what she enjoys during their quality time together, even if it doesn’t seem like the traditional masculine thing to do. He is showing his daughter how important she is to him without sacrificing his ego or masculinity.

Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

My immediate thought was “How cool is that?” This guy: a) spends that kind of precious time with his child and, b) isn’t afraid of what anyone else may think when he is sporting his color in his sandals on the beach. In my opinion, my client reflects what I consider to be a very masculine man based on his build, look and presence. He doesn’t seem to be worried about what someone else might say about such a masculine man sporting toenail polish. Why? Because his reason for doing it is enough for him. It’s quite possible his preference would be to hit some baseballs or play catch in the backyard. The love he has for someone and the opportunity to see her light up with a smile is enough incentive and reward for his efforts.

He knows who he is and why he is doing it. His daughter’s happiness is the “why.”

My next thoughts were how much men need to feel free to be able to express their feminine qualities (compassion, tenderness, playfulness) like this man was doing with his daughter, in addition to their natural masculine qualities (strength, protective nature, courage). It enables them to feel more connected in relationships and to be more confident and comfortable in their own skin. Men are subject to a lot of preconceived false standards of being tough and not showing emotions. Yet, as a woman, I think a man is more manly when he can show that he is sensitive, empathetic, romantic and passionate. It does not compromise his masculinity in the least. It emphasizes that he is confident enough to not worry about what other people think. After all, no one else lives your life. They can’t know how you think or what you feel. Nor can you know the same of them. So, why would you worry about what someone else can’t ever really know about you anyway? You are the one constant in your own life story.

“Masculine and Feminine aspects exist in all beings.” — David Deida

This man’s daughter is also able to experience inclusion, feeling special and honored. These are wonderful attributes that will help set her up to have more solid relationships with such foundational values.

I have a friend who has a very talented and creative daughter. She entertained the audience at a house party with a karaoke song. She didn’t have the most beautiful voice, but she had style, confidence and delivery! I witnessed her dad giving her his complete attention, amidst lots of surrounding activity (sports channel on, conversations all around), and encouragement of her performance like it was the best thing he’s ever seen. It was another example of a man showing how important this person was to him. The reflection of his response to her performance was exuded in her stage presence and the smile on her face.

These are examples that can remind you there is something you can do right where you are today to increase your confidence in yourself, and in those you care about.

“Deep down, everyone feels the same at our core. We all just want to belong. We all just want to be loved.” — Christina Hibbert