“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
There is so much truth in this statement. The brilliant Maya Angelou gave us the key to unlocking positive relationships in just 25 words.
Why is that? Why do we carve the memory of how a person made us feel into the trunk of our very being, like those middle school crush hearts, for all of posterity?
The neuroscience explanation would require more words than this space allows, and I would not presume the expertise to undertake such.
But this is true. Emotions are powerful. Emotions are the bedrock of our memories. They ground our experiences. Feelings often trump logic, good manners, wise judgement, determination and training. How we feel about someone, or something, drives our actions and reactions more than any objective facts involved. We will go to great lengths to see (or help) someone we love, or to avoid someone we don’t.
Negative emotions are particularly impactful on our physiology. When something triggers a past trauma, hurt or fear, our bodies respond as if we have time-traveled back to that awful moment. Heart racing, palms sweating, stomach twisting into knots, we default to our fight, flight or freeze mode, and then wonder later what happened.
Recently I’ve been going through some of my mother’s things, which have been in storage since she died. It’s been a long and arduous task, sorting her stuff. Grief and loss rear their ugly heads each time. The worst part is driving past the place.
The place where I lost her.
Even though it’s a place where decent humans did everything they could to help her leave this life with dignity, my heart races every time I pass it. My lungs fail. The mini-panic attack begins.
It doesn’t last long because I know what it is. I allow Death to steal my breath for a few moments, then I take it back and move on. Even though it holds no danger to me now, my heart, brain and lungs can’t pass that place without panicking. It hurt that much.
Our bodies are wired for survival. If our brains detect a threat, they throw us into survival mode. It’s what they are supposed to do. But it isn’t always convenient.
People can make us feel this way too—like suddenly all the air in the room is sucked out. Many of us have someone in our past who turns us into a deer paralyzed by headlights. Or worse. Whether it was the neighborhood bully, an angry parent or an adult who abused their power, we felt helpless. We were helpless. And we learned that certain people aren’t safe. And when those people show up in our lives, (or anyone who smacks of them) we go into survival mode.
Maybe for you it was critical, belittling words from a coach, a parent who yelled constantly, or a teacher who said you’d never amount to anything. Maybe your absent parents never engaged with you.
We remember how people made us feel, don’t we?
And now we’re the moms and dads and teachers and coaches. It’s our turn.
How do we use our words, each day, to make the young hearts around us feel? Do we empower our children with confidence? Do we reassure our teens that they can achieve anything? That we love them no matter what they do, and we’re confident their unique gifts will help them accomplish whatever they set their minds and hearts to?
Our preacher gave a brilliant sermon about the power of our words, and how vital it is we use our words to speak life into the lives of our loved ones. If we aren’t purposeful in this, it is too easy to default to whatever we grew up with, often disheartening words speaking discouragement, criticism and death. If our relationships with our kids aren’t positive, there’s a reason.
We have the opportunity to fill our kids’ ears with truth, love, hope and life. Or we can allow our words to tear down their spirits. Do we speak life into them or death? Everything we say is, bottom line, one or the other.
Hopefully, we all remember someone who made us feel hopeful and confident. It’s our turn to be that person that future generations will remember as the one who made them feel like they were valuable, that they have important work to do on Earth. Let’s be the one who speaks life into the children we’re raising, teaching, coaching or mentoring.
Be the voice of positivity, focusing on the good you see in your children. Tell them often how much you love them and how incredible they are. Tell them God made them exactly as they are—who they’re supposed to be. We don’t know how much longer we’ll be able to have these conversations. And after we’re gone, let’s be the voices of truth, love and hope they remember and treasure.
[Photo at top by Gustavo Fring / Pexels]
