You know that irritated feeling of standing in a store aisle and realizing they’re out of a certain product? The very one we wanted. Whether it’s our favorite cereal or a particular scent of body wash, we tend toward indignation when we can’t get what we want. Why don’t they have the one I need?
We expect to get what we want, whenever we want it. Why is that? Maybe it’s because most of us always have.
Children of the 1970s and ’80s grew up with the “have it your way!” mentality and ad campaigns. We bought into the idea that choice was king, and we should get whatever we want. Of course we did. It’s exactly what we wanted to hear. Personal preference became a top priority across our culture.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing inherently evil about preference. Most of us prefer certain foods, fragrances, music or clothing over others. There’s nothing wrong with unique individuality in itself. But when our preferences morph into pickiness, and our wishes become “rights” in our own eyes, they can be dangerous.
They become entitlement.
When an individual’s preferences are constantly indulged, the resulting mindset is entitlement. Entitlement says, “It is my right to have things my way. I deserve to get what I want.” Think Sharpe in High School Musical.
Children who always get what they want don’t learn contentment. They also miss out on opportunities to try new things and experience the beautiful variety that makes life richer.
Well-meaning parents foster this mindset unintentionally by always caving to their child’s wishes. If on every road trip you take, you only ever eat at one place because Johnny Jr. won’t eat anywhere else, you might be encouraging this mentality.
So, how do we reasonably accommodate our kids’ preferences, without fostering entitlement?
Let’s look at a few strategies.
1. Limit the Options
In the ’80s there were maybe a hundred different types of cereal. Now there are several thousand . . . different kinds of cereal. Friends, we have too many choices.
The insecurity fostered by decision-making in the face of limitless choice is not healthy. We often don’t know what we want, because there are too many possibilities, many of them good. Marketing departments want us wandering store aisles that stretch on for miles, wondering which product is best, which one we’ll like most, and ultimately buying multiple options just to be sure.
Wise parents give their children choices. But they do not give them unlimited choices. Give them a few reasonable choices that you agree with. They can choose between this vegetable and that one, this restaurant or that one, this toy or the other, but they cannot have every choice, in every situation.
2. Give Them Skin in the Game
When kids must invest some of their own resources (sweat, time or money) into their activities or purchases, etc., they value them more.
For example, if you child expresses interest in playing four different sports this year, take the time—together—to calculate how much all that gear is going to cost. Determine how much of their savings they are willing to invest. Will they coordinate rides or buy their own gas to get to all those practices? How many hours will they work to help pay the athletic fees? It’s amazing how quickly our wish list shrinks when we must invest something to obtain it.
3. Exit the Ivory Tower
The best medicine for an entitlement mindset is to spend time serving people who have limited resources. Engage kids in helping those in need. It quickly puts things in perspective.
Recently on a family vacation including stops at many amazing places, we also had the opportunity to visit an impoverished area. Skinny dogs roamed streets lined with broken-down buildings, trash heaps and exposed wires. Ragged cloths hung in windows instead of glass. Flies buzzed over rotting fruit, empty bottles and discarded junk in alleys and on sidewalks.
Most of the “shops” were open-air front porches with fruit or handmade trinkets piled on rickety tables. The few shops with glass storefronts had armed security guards. Kids in uniforms trudged along the road from a school with bars on the windows.
There are no words for the sadness I felt as we walked the streets of that third-world town. Children sitting on dusty steps, surrounded by the stench of trash and emaciated animals, watched us tourists walk by in our lululemon and Ray-Bans.
We have no idea how good we’ve got it.
Our children need opportunities to understand just how good. The best way to help them appreciate their circumstances is to serve people in less desirable ones. It’s not necessary to travel to a foreign country to find people in need. They are all around us. Help your kids see “there but for the grace of God, go I.”
Many nonprofits in Middle Tennessee offer opportunities to serve those in need in our community. One I can personally vouch for, with student service opportunities, is Barnabas Vision. For more information, check out thebarnabasvision.org.
[Top: Photo courtesy of Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels]
