Much can be written on the subject of love. What is love? What is not love? How can you tell the difference? Do you listen to your head, your heart, or both?

While there will be differing opinions and thoughts on the matter, the inspiration for this view comes from seeing so many struggle for fulfillment by having a significant mate in their lives. Many times this comes at the expense of self discovery and self love. I’ve watched people go from one relationship to another with no “down time” in between. Zero self reflection has been exercised before forging headfirst into the next relationship. What is a good rule of thumb or guide to be in a relationship and when to not be?

The divorce rate for first-time marriages is higher among younger people (ages 18–25). The risk of divorce rate is higher for those in a second marriage. I believe both statistics have to do with the view I am sharing here. It is so important to figure out who you are and what you want before you enter into any long-term relationship. When most of your time is spent thinking about how your life isn’t complete without someone to share it with, we can often lose focus on our individual growth and development. When we spend time with someone that makes us feel good, happy or alive, we have a tendency to want more of that euphoric feeling. We start compromising our personal growth and replace it with an emotionally charged desire.

“Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on what we’re waiting for.” — Charles Stanley.

When someone is going through a breakup, it seems to be a natural coping mechanism to suggest there are “other fish in the sea,” or make a recommendation that suggests they meet someone else. I rarely hear someone suggest that this is a great opportunity to have some time to yourself to discover what you may have lost of yourself in your last relationship, or to consider how your needs and values may have changed since your last partner. It takes time to identify what those might be. If you don’t give yourself time to work on you, you bring any unfinished business with you into the next relationship. Most likely, the same issues will resurface if you have not faced them and changed direction.

A psychologist friend noted once that you should take at least one year for every 10 years you were in a relationship to work on yourself. This allows you the time and grace to know what you really want and what you don’t want in a partnership. What are your hard lines or boundaries that you are not willing to negotiate on? What are some of the more flexible things? It also reinforces your individuality, confidence and ability to take care of yourself. This is the same regardless of how the relationship ended—death, divorce, adultery, breakup, amicable, hostile, safety concerns. Use the 1/10 year rule for giving time back to yourself before beginning another committed relationship.

“Real love trusts, mature love understands, and true love waits.” — Analiza Garcia

I personally don’t believe in leaving one person for another. This method gives you no time to clean up the things that didn’t work in the previous union. Even if things feel and seem amazing, like the perfect fit, you aren’t coming together in “real time” because you’ve been living in duality. You haven’t made time to ground yourself, establish boundaries, and identify genuine long-term relationship values.

“The most inefficient and self-harming thing a person can do is go out looking for love. Let it find you when the time is right and you’re out doing what you love to do. Only then will you find it in its truest form.” — A.J. Darkholme

“My longing to find love did not make me lose my sense of reason or perspective.” — Bell Hooks

So, if you are single and desiring a partner, how can you wait patiently for love?

Here are a few tips adapted from Angela Vaz:

1. Work on yourself. This sounds like such cringy advice, but here’s the truth: Be the person you’re looking for. Become whole, complete and happy.
2. Learn to be happy alone: This is one of the rarest joys you can attain. Learn to trust yourself and count on you!
3. Don’t force it: Love cannot be forced or rushed. Be patient.
4. Know your wants and needs; know what your core values are. Save yourself some time and pain. Don’t settle for a mismatch.
5. Date: You’re ready to date when you’ve healed from prior relationship pain—when you have no pain or anger about an ex.
6. Take things slowly: It takes time to get to know someone and understand who they really are.
7. Let go when you know it’s not right. Don’t buy time when you know in your heart it’s not going to work out.
8. Live in the moment. Focus on what’s in front of you, not behind or ahead.
9. Understand that your life is beautiful even without a partner; a partner should add to what is already there.
10. Trust the process: Just keep going. Keep your heart open.