Have you ever been in a position where you needed or wanted new friends? Life is one continuous flow. It doesn’t stop and ask you what you want or need. It just moves forward, creating pockets or openings for us to move through or go around. As much as we may try to establish a level of comfort or normalcy, life has a way of presenting something else. There are all kinds of ways we meet people. We have neighbors, coworkers, civic groups or professional groups, church. Some people form bonds through social media, dating or even friendship sites. There is no shortage of people to meet. We form relationships within the circumstances in which we put ourselves.

We reach a certain level of security with the people in our lives. Then circumstances change. People move away, divorce, break up, have injuries or illnesses, pass on, or change groups. We have built so many relationships through convenient conditions. Then a life shift occurs and we find ourselves in new situations that require more intentional effort. Yet, we’d like it to be easier, like it was when we were kids.

“The friends that leave you feeling more alive after you’re with them are magic in human form.” — Cory Allen

It is always amazing to witness children interact with each other when first meeting. Many appear to be very shy or hesitant. It only takes the one who smiles and asks a question or taps another on the shoulder and runs away inviting the other to chase them. All of a sudden the universal language of children sparks and off they go. As adults, we have formed way too many judgments or protective layers to be that playful and engaging. Yet, I believe many still think it. They wish they could say “you’re so cute,” “wanna race?” or just sit with another person who looks like they could use a friend.

Sometimes it does happen as an adult, but most of the time people don’t want to be considered creepy, weird, needy or desperate. So they remain more aloof or unapproachable until some kind of common ground brings them together with another person. But that takes more time.

Even though they want to form new friendships, life’s hard knocks can make people more withdrawn or reserved. They have become this way because they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed. It requires energy and effort that many don’t want to expend only to be left hanging. Yet, the energy that comes from a single ecstatic encounter can make you come alive and remind you how great it is to be connected to certain people. So, you have to try in order experience these opportunities.

“There’s a quiet comfort in knowing I have not yet crossed paths with all of the people who will bring magic into my life.” — S.M. Klees

Recently, an adult friend posted on social media that making friends as an adult was hard. She had tried all kinds of things, like supper clubs, all the gyms, game nights and networking groups, and nothing seemed to work. This post sparked many conversations with people. Many who knew her called her (including me) to ask what in particular she was looking for, as they all considered themselves to be her friend. It’s the desire to have that connection that just clicks with another person. Someone with whom you can do things with, share all your thoughts, dreams, inside jokes, and secrets. Those kinds of relationships take time to build.

This friend has some great friends. They are just in different seasons of life and the same opportunities aren’t currently there because some have gotten married, had children, and have other schedules and commitments. So it presents a life shift. Bonds are not forged immediately. Even if you find a spark with another person, there is effort required to follow up. Phone calls, texting, making time to get together. People are all busy doing, but have forgotten how to prioritize being, which unfortunately doesn’t provide adequate time to form bonds.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Over the course of my almost 40-year marriage we have had many different close friends. We’ve spent New Years Eve’s and most of the major holidays together. Inevitably, the things I mentioned earlier all played a part in eventual separation of time and connection with those friends. Many lasted decades at a time. Conditions changed. Each time we found ourselves in a new season and it took time to start conversations, then spend time together, and eventually those relationships became closer. It is the ones who you are around the most, though, that get more of your time and attention. Although close once upon a time, even the former connections become those friends you only see once in a while or talk to on occasion. They are no longer part of your day-to-day life, not because you don’t care about each other anymore but because the life shifts happened.

My dad once said, “I’m as lonely as I want to be.” Meaning, he had several people in his life that he could call and spend time with if he chose to. There are always things to do, places to go and people to meet. Most of them would probably welcome that fresh face and smile that connects with them on some common ground. So what can you do during this time?

Be honest, authentic and open to possibilities. Put yourself in situations that make you come alive, not ones that you have no interest in or that leave you feeling “meh.”

Think about who you know that you would like to get to know better. It could be a short list or one containing several people. Decide to host a get-together with a theme and be intentional about your invitations. Make it more intimate or special and let your guests know that you have hand-picked a few people you’d like to know better, and that they are one of them.

“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” — Anais Nin

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Photo, top, courtesy of Helena Lopes / Pexels