As we enter the month of celebrated love, I feel an energy all around that is crying out to be loved, starving to be noticed and validated. This isn’t even particularly new, it’s just gotten louder over time. I also see a quiet retreating in others who don’t know how to interact anymore, so they just slip out of sight. But their longing and need for connection is still loud. It’s loud in the absence they create, when they think no one has even noticed them missing.

The loud distractions of life tend to cover up what’s really important, what is really happening to connection and relationships. So you see and hear the screamers who are saying and doing things that cry “look at me, see me, hear me, notice me,” but they are unwilling to have a calm, cordial conversation to allow anyone to actually understand them. Then you have the quiet ones who don’t feel anyone wants to see them, hear them, or really know them and they retreat into their silent existence.

The rest of the people, who have developed or are developing their intellect, who lead, train, guide, coach and continue to foster continuity, grace, faithfulness and confidence, are having to manage both ends of the spectrum to keep information clear, relevant and to find truth.

“Love is shown more in deeds than in words.” — Saint Ignatius

Love isn’t just finding someone to dote on or to shower adoration on you. Love is the light within you that shines out over you and onto others. When you walk with love it is a beam that shines out and enables you to see the good in each other, not to find fault, to understand, grow and live in harmony. Love lifts you up. Love, when practiced, leads to understanding. Understanding leads to quiet confidence.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

What part do you play in living in the name of love? There are endless ways to express love. Simple variations are kindness, patience, consideration, attentiveness. I recently heard someone say how important it is to love another the way they need to be loved. If you love them the way you want to be loved, not the way they need to feel love, they will feel a gap in being understood and really feeling noticed by you.

There’s a well known book by Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages, that illustrates how people feel and experience love differently. In short they are: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Kindness, and Receiving Gifts. If your person needs to hear words of affirmation (“you look so beautiful”; “what a great job you do taking care of so many things”) but you give them gifts, they won’t feel like you’ve noticed them. If your person needs to have quality time with you, it won’t matter as much what you say if you never spend any time with them (without distractions). And if your person loves to hold hands, or lean in close and just be able to touch you often or be touched by you, and all you do is go fill up the car with gas and change the oil, that’s a nice gesture but it won’t feel like love to them. Get the idea?

“Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.” — Oreki Houtarou

How do you show up for friendship or gratitude, in the name of love? I have a friend who was a public figure for many years. He knew everyone and everyone knew him. He showed up and had a presence at countless community events, boards, civic organizations. After he retired and stepped out of the spotlight, I still stayed connected to him. I assumed that someone like him was always busy with lunch dates and visitors. He had so much wisdom and life experience to share. I was completely shocked when he told me that wasn’t the case. The calls slow down, the frequency lengthens and the disconnect happens. People still remember him and occasionally see him, but nothing like it was when he was actively involved. That taught me a harsh lesson—it’s important to remember the ones who led, taught and created opportunities for us. While I can’t be there all the time, I do make the effort to stay in touch and visit a few times a year.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” — John 13:34

Another similar story made a big impression on me. I follow a leader and self-made billionaire named Jesse Itzler (look him up!). He shared a story that taught him one of the most important lessons of his life, one that came many years later. As he told it: “In 1997, I sold my company and became a millionaire. The man behind the deal was in the middle of a massive run acquiring 80 companies and building a multi-billion-dollar empire. We were one of the smallest deals in the bunch. But he changed my life forever. Fast-forward decades later, the man was battling cancer. Alone in the hospital bed with a tube in his throat. So I flew to New York. Just to say thank you. When I walked in . . . he lit up. Even with limited speech he wanted to talk about old times and mutual friends. And then he looked at me and said something I’ll never forget: ‘You’re the only one that has come to see me.’ Out of 80 deals, hundreds of people impacted, I was the only one that showed up. That hit hard. Money comes and goes. But character? That’s the legacy. Showing up. Being loyal. Saying thank you.”

I am thankful to Jesse for having shared that story. It resonated with how I’ve been feeling about connections and being available to make a difference. I hope you are inspired to show up and act in the name of love. You will make a difference not only to others, but to yourself.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi

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Photo, top, courtesy of Ave Calvar Martinez / Pexels