Rating: 2 Pulses
Steven Strait, Camilla Belle
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Rated PG-13
Boy meets girl. Boy kills mammoth. Bad guys steal girl. Loin-clothed, epic adventure ensues.
Welcome to 10,000 BC, a CGI-filled romp through a less-than-factual prehistoric land. It’s a classic tale of an awkward young man with father issues coming of age, falling for the hot chick, stumbling into fame, then magically transforming into an inspiring leader. Now if only the transparent plot, cheesy dialog and half-assed CGI weren’t so hysterical, I could write a completely scathing review. But it’s impossible. This movie was almost ridiculous enough to enjoy.
The fact that this film is topping the box office right now just reinforces the obvious: this is the industry’s slow season. All the really good movies were pushed through so they could play with the big boys at the awards shows.
Director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, Stargate, The Day After Tomorrow) has been playing at putting together apocalyptic films for almost his entire career (his successful foray into historical fiction with The Patriot aside). Unfortunately Mel Gibson beat him to the punch.
Not one to be easily intimidated by a more recent apocalyptic sort-of success, Emmerich forged ahead, broke out the same sandy set he used for Stargate, plucked his heroine’s eyebrows to perfection, and got to work cramming some square shaped historical facts into his rather circular story.
Do you think he just randomly decided that he liked “terror birds” and created an extra sequence to include them? Weird raptor-like attacks in large swishy grass has been done already. Strangely enough the sequence does inspire some anxiety and fear for our cast.
The heaving torso of our hero, D’Leh (Strait), is sufficiently distracting as he scampers across the mountains (Alps?) into the desert (Sahara?) and crosses a “sea of sand” to a civilization of proto-Egyptian pyramid builders who have his precious Evolet (Belle). On his way he makes friends with the natives, who join his cause to rescue their enslaved friends as well.
Drawing parallels between 10,000 BC and 1966’s One Million Years B.C. is inevitable. And although our heroine (Belle) is quite lovely, she’s no Raquel Welsh.
If you have a boy between the ages of 9 and 13, you might want to hit a matinee. Otherwise, save your money and hold your breath until the big summer blockbusters.
