Dear Readers,

Though mixed martial arts style fighting, as practiced by Shane Primm and his guys at Guardian, is not an acceptable pasttime, according to the Tennessee Legislature, many are working to change that (you can sign a petition in favor of striking down the ban at groundpound.org).

I’m taking this opportunity to call out the other so-called newspaper editors in town, you know who they are, and invite them to face me, the Big Man, in a no-holds-barred contest to submission or unconsciousness.

Of course, this epic fight must take place in an out-of-state location, unless the fans are itching to throw some money on me, in which case we may have to move off-shore to a safer place for gambling.

I’m already anticipating my challenge will not be satisfied, so let’s keep it in town and we’ll make the big showdown a chess game, or a foot race?my competitor can pick the length. No one starts a paper with a name sounding eerily similar to “The Murfreesboro Pulse,” and gets away unchallenged.

If you want to get away from the coverage of idiot celebrities’ night lives saturating the TV, the animal shows come recommended by this reporter. Watch two male hippos run full speed towards one another, heads lowered, or a mountain lion chase his prey down a steep slope . . . or UFC. Competition, how American is that.

Also very American: taking advantage of a disadvantaged group of people’s situation to improve oneself. However, this time I’ve figured out a way to actually help the disadvantaged people at the same time. Let the Mexicans in, open door policy, they get to live in the U.S. as they wish.

“I feel like a New Mexican,” they will say as they cross the border into New Mexico. Let our amigos from South of the border flood in, leaving behind a tropical paradise with declining property values. An empty little beach house for me! If I can get some ice down there, I’m taken care of.

I will feel like a New Mexican myself as I take a quick little jaunt to the state this weekend. What a logical time to drive cross country, when gas prices are at a record high. Americans seems quite addicted to their automobiles. It’s an economic odditiy: sharp increase in prices met with no decline in consumption.

Gouge us, please gouge us. Remember, if you buy it, you’re responsible for the high price.

If you’re looking for a new dining spot, give Kava’s a try. Luis will tell you all about the Nazca Lines in his native Peru, pisco, his country’s answer to tequila made from grapes, and his experience in New York during the 9/11 mayhem. The chicken is incredible and Kava’s has great lunch deals.

I would personally like to see more sandy beaches in Tennessee. Sarah and I were turned away from the swimming area on Old Hickory Lake on Memorial Day. It was to capacity, we were told.

And way to represent our state and country on the world stage, Rachel Smith.

This Belmont grad, who spent the first 21 years of her life trying to be the perfect role-model, all-American girl, complete with community service, good grades, musical talent and awesome hair, will forever be remembered as “the one who fell on her ass at Miss Universe.”

If she were a smooth operator she could have pulled off a nice little break dancing spin while down there and possibly took top prize.

Peace,

Bracken Mayo, Editor in Chief