Photo courtesy of Bess Hamiti / Pexels
Sibling relationships are important, possibly some of the most important relationships that a person can have. Think about it: the relationship that a child has with a parent often takes center stage, but in reality, the relationship with a sibling can potentially last for an entire lifetime. Positive sibling relationships do not always come naturally and are not always priorities in the typical busy household. Sometimes as parents, we assume that our children are just going to get along and like each other. But just like all relationships, the sibling relationship requires attention, intention and upkeep.
Our son recently celebrated his 18th birthday. As I recall, the day that he was born, our 5-year-old daughter was extremely disappointed with him. Although we laugh now, it was very impactful for her. She expected him to be ready to play and have fun from the moment he was born! It took her awhile to accept the realities that he was never going to just do what she wanted him to. Over time, we noticed that she had developed some jealousy towards him. Maybe it was the presents sent in from family, or the extra fussing over his cute, chunky baby cheeks. Whatever the reason, she started to build some resentment and it showed in her choices and behaviors until we learned to manage it. Interestingly enough, as an administrator, parents are typically hypervigilant that a new baby in the house may cause some bumps with the older sibling, yet those bumps are rarely immediate despite the fact that the adults are ready for them straight off the bat. It usually goes like this: parents know that there will be some bumps when baby arrives, they prepare for bumps, baby arrives, older sibling seems fine, parents think that they somehow magically avoided the bumps and then . . . it happens: behaviors regress, or new ones surface. Sometimes months pass before this happens, leaving parents flabbergasted at what is going on. From a child’s perspective, it can be a challenging shift. Here they are enjoying being the center of attention when along comes baby. But we all know that bumps are just a part of this journey. But how can parents cultivate sibling relationships that are respectful, meaningful and nurturing?
Beginning when the children are young, it is important to model one-on-one time with each child. Individually. Separately. Consistently. When children know and can count on having a parent’s undivided attention consistently, there are fewer reasons for them to choose behaviors that beg for attention (either positive or negative). This one-on-one time is important with both parents/caregivers. Seriously, this one parenting shift can be transformational. We have seen it happen over and over with families. This one-on-one time can be structured or unstructured. It could be as simple as sitting down on the floor and playing whatever your child wants to play for 30 uninterrupted minutes (no phones, no television, no distractions) or as elaborate as an outing of your child’s choice. In our household, this one-on-one time would happen often. Sometimes it was planned and sometimes a complete surprise. Some of my favorite times were surprise pick-ups from school a tad bit early, giving our kids a time frame, and telling them we would do whatever they wanted to do (within reason) during that time. Sometimes it would be going home to play with trains, or tea parties, or going to the park and playing tag. Whatever they wished to do, we would give them the full time and focus just on them. In the same week, we would do the same with the other child.
Family Fun Time
When our daughter came home during quarantine, both she and my son let us know that they really missed our family date nights. Family date nights were a way for us to plan to have fun together as a family. These dates would happen once a month and we would take turns on who would plan them. We would have a strict budget and the only rules were that everyone had to be a good sport and fully participate in the activity. This bonding activity was a great memory in our home and in other friends’ Montessori homes as well. It gave each family member a chance to plan something fun for everyone and it gave each of us an opportunity to try new things while giving encouragement and support to whomever planned it. Our next family date night is April 11, and I cannot wait! Family date nights work for families of all sizes including families with one child. Try it!
Family Meetings
I recommend during our Positive Discipline workshops that all families begin conducting family meetings when children are between 4 and 5 years of age. Family meetings are a place to discuss things in the family that need to be addressed. By setting this expectation early in your child’s life, it will become a regular habit in your household. When the children were young, a 5–7-minute meeting was enough. We would have an agenda and discuss whatever needed to be addressed. It was also an opportunity for my husband and I to model discussion and conflict resolution. In the early years, our family meetings might be to discuss upcoming projects at school or dirty soccer socks on the floor or why we were going to continue having vegetables for dinner for the rest of eternity and that actual allergies to broccoli were rare. In later years, the family meetings became a place where heavier issues in their lives were discussed. Things like friends, peer pressure, drugs and a classmate’s suicide. Although it was hard sometimes to hear what they had to say, we did feel good knowing that the lines of communication were open so that we could talk about things. Did this work for every issue? No. Did they share every difficult teenage emotion? No. But in those difficult teenage years, we were thankful to have that habit set and that they knew that there was a place for us to listen to what they wanted to say if they felt like sharing. Family meetings were at 7 p.m. on Sunday evenings. To help keep our household running, we have returned to having them often. They make a difference. Listening to the little stuff now means getting to hear the bigger stuff later.
Eighty-two percent of children live with a sibling, according to Dr. Shawn Sidu of the University of New Mexico. Dr. Sidu goes on to say that “while healthy sibling relationships can be an incredible source of support, unhealthy and toxic sibling relationships may be equally devastating and destabilizing.”
Parents can play a strong role in making sure that sibling relationships stay healthy by making sure to not compare and to value the uniqueness of each child. Celebrating differences promotes respect and cooperation while raising a child’s self-confidence. Parents should also not hesitate to seek out counseling for conflicts or family support at any time. By helping our children nurture positive sibling relationships, we are making an investment into their future. I don’t know about you, but hoping that my children will stay connected during the ups and downs of life certainly gives me a little comfort. Knowing that we helped them develop that relationship along their journey is a great source of pride.
Next time, we will explore family meetings a little more closely and find ways to fit one into your family’s culture. Whether you have one child or 10, these meetings can become your number-one parenting tool!
