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Parents want children to show gratitude and appreciation for the many ways that they are blessed and for our contributions, efforts and sacrifices for them. We expect this and hope for this, but often do not offer children the skills to develop and cultivate a sense of thankfulness.
Don’t get me wrong, most of us offer a timely lecture now and then when we feel that our children are not showing gratitude. But children don’t always understand the concept of gratitude in a way that translates into the appreciation that we wish to see. They lack context, context that can’t be learned through lectures or punishments. This understanding that we seek with our children, like many lessons in childhood, is created through experience.
Chores and allowances offer children the opportunity to develop an in-depth understanding of all that it takes to run a household and a family. Chores build confidence in children and let them know that they are contributing members of their household. On the other hand, not being taught the skills needed for everyday life can keep children from building self-reliance and developing their self-worth. Ann Landers once said, “It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” Children may whine or complain about these chores, but insist they do them anyway. When parents can cultivate an expectation that children must contribute to the household, the energy around chores can change.
Chores and allowances should not be connected—more on that later! What are some of the chores that children can be taught within their age groups?
Children ages 2–3 can be taught to put their own toys away, unload parts of the dishwasher, put clothes in hamper, make their beds, wipe cabinets, wipe baseboards, help move clothes from the washer to the dryer.
Children ages 4–5 can vacuum the couch, chairs or cushions, load the dishwasher, set the table, clear the table, fold towels, clean windows, wipe sinks, match socks, feed pets.
Children ages 6–8 can help with meal prep, fold and hang laundry, sweep, vacuum, collect garbage, get the mail, rake leaves, mop, and the list goes on.
Remember to be patient! It is likely that the work will not be as good as if an adult did it, but what’s important here is the effort and learning the process. Practice makes pretty good! Also remember to take the time for training. This means showing the child how to do it from start to finish, including how to put the materials away. Finally, remember to be consistent. Doing it once with them will not be enough. Learning these chores will take some time and need to be done consistently. Imagine a household where all family members are contributing to the work. It is possible. It is worth it. The lessons that your child will feel and the sense of belonging it can help foster is priceless.
Dr. Jane Nelson, creator of the Positive Discipline philosophy of parenting, has some important considerations for allowances. She believes that allowances should be respectful to everyone in the family. It needs to be negotiated in advance based upon what the family can afford and what the children need. If the children need or want more than what the allowance can provide as they grow, they can supplement their money with odd jobs: babysitting, washing cars, mowing lawns, etc., as appropriate. She also considers allowances to be disrespectful towards parents when they are using them as a handout instead of an allowance. Her guidance on when to begin offering allowances and why connecting them to chores isn’t desirable is something to consider when implementing this in your household:
“Connecting chores to allowances offers too many opportunities for punishment, reward, bribery and other forms of disrespectful manipulation. Each child gets an allowance just because he or she is a member of the family, and each child does chores just because he or she is a member of the family. It can be helpful to offer special jobs for pay that are beyond regular chore routines, such as weeding or washing outside windows. This offers opportunities for kids who want to earn extra money but does not cause problems if they choose not to take the opportunity. Allowances can be started when children first become aware of the need for money—when they start wanting toys at the market or treats from the ice cream truck. Some families start with a quarter, a dime, a nickel, five pennies and a piggy bank. A small child loves the variety and enjoys putting the money in the piggy bank. As they get older, allowances can be based on need. They learn budgeting when parents take time to go over their needs with them and decide accordingly on the amount of their allowance.”
When families visit Montessori schools, they are often surprised to see children helping in the classrooms with anything from setting up rest mats, scrubbing tables, sweeping the floors, washing windows and more. Sometimes as adults we can underestimate both the capabilities of a young child as well as their need to develop their skills in those areas. Teaching our children from a young age to contribute and support the household can benefit the family in so many ways. Never underestimate the child’s capacity to learn and grow!
